somewhere, a duck is watching you

There are great patriots who would die for their country, martyrs who would die for their religion, and hopeless romantics that would die for their love. Brave men indeed. But surely, they must be afraid of something?? Yes, they maybe willing to give up their lives, but surely they are susceptible to something? Don’t be surprised to find out if these great men hide an Achilles Heel like, maybe, Anatidaephobia- fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you. Or maybe Arachibutyrophobia- fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth. But he digresses.
For the point of the matter is that Albert has his fears too. Think Erotophobia- the fear of marriage, dating, and romantic relationships. Yes, his faithful fans will tell you that this has been mentioned before, but as trivial and petty this may seem at his age, do hear him out.
This is for real. Not just those things that you would just grow out of. He has asked himself this question many times, what really is the point of getting married? If he liked kids that would be a different matter, but he doesn’t. He himself comes from a semi-dysfunctional family, which maybe lies the root of the problem. Where is the love, a group that named themselves after a non-existent vegetable would holler, well, no where near this amigo that’s for sure. Let us consider the repercussions of a singleton’s life. The freedom is one thing, dying a lonely man is another.
Lets start with something random like say, hmm, maybe, somewhere, like, sex. Ohhh, the TABOO subject. Well don’t get all disgusted with him, of course theres more to marriage than sex, and it definitely isnt the ONLY thing on his mind, mind you. But in accordance to his religion, premarital “seed-spreading” is sinful. But its actually a beautiful thing, let him put it this way-
“ you can lose yourself, everything, all boundaries, all time, the two bodies become soo mixed up that you don’t know who’s who or what’s what, and just when the sweet confusion soo intense you think you’re going to die, and you know you kinda do, leaving you alone in your separate body, but the one you love is still there. That’s the miracle, you can go to heaven and come back alive, go back anytime you want with the one you love.”
Wouldn’t it be an absolute shame to miss out on that? Thou thinketh him shallow are thou not? Well go screw thouself, he maintains his romantic views about it. But with no wife=no going to heaven and back.
Also, his mom constantly daydreams about his marriage, the perfect daughter in law and such. He wouldn’t want to break her heart by saying no to marriage. Also being the eldest, it is expected for him to lead by example; also mom wants to arrange the whole thing. No worries though, she sets her standards soo high she’ll never finding a living person who fits the profile willing to go to heaven with Albert INSIDE wedlock.
Somehow, he thinks marriage is society’s way to trap young people to adhere to an accepted social structure whereby the building blocks starts at the family. He wants to be George Clooney, bachelor for life. But then again, he feels that one would be a failure if they don’t have a family to show off. Hence the dilemma, which is as much of a problem as it would be if it came from a 36 year old, instead of another rant from a teenager. Because Albert has foresight. Which is refreshing cause some guys have more foreskin than foresight. Still it is pretty distant a problem, 20 years down the road.
Maybe by then he would have made up his mind. Maybe he would fall helplessly in love with some girl who would sweep him off his feet and get hitched with him before Albert can even say “pre-nup?” But if not, it is going to have to be a one-way ticket to heaven then would'nt it?